then you could be confused about whether what happened is good. It could appear to be good but you shouldn't judge the book by its cover, should u? You could get lost in this enternal tussle of indecision. Is it good or is it bad? Is this what I want or is it the other? Red or blue? You don't really control anything. Not even yourself. But that doesn't stop you from contemplating and worrying about what could've happened and what should've happened.

It is so bleeding easy to say that you dont care about the world or what the world thinks. I do too. The truth ofcourse is quite confusing. Even if you do actually not care, the world cares about you. Atleast a part of the world. That makes it an uneasy unidirectional relationship. It doesn't really matter anymore that you don't care about the world. It loses it relevance. Anything and everything you do changes something in the world. And what happens in the world around definitely changes things within you. You don't really control anything. Not even yourself. But that doesn't stop you from assuming (wrongly) that you are your own master, commander and slave. You are nobody's master and you are nobody's slave. You are everybody's master and you are everybody's slave. That's how the world works. And it is complicated.

I wont make much sense now. What I said is gooey at best. But the truth does not change. It does change, but the sense that truth tries to make does not. Truth is gooey at best. And it does change. Truth is not an object, truth is not a feeling, truth is nothing, truth can be everything. Truth can be an illusion, truth can be the truth. You don't really control anything. Not even yourself. But that doesn't stop you from thinking that you know the truth.

I don't have much leisure. I don't do anything that I think is useful. How can something I do be useful? How do you define usefulness? Useful as in I satisfied myself by doing it? Is that ever possible. Feeling satisfied and elated about something that you did. You might feel a moment of elation, but is it useful enough to keep you there. What is the whole point of things? Where does everything lead us to? Back to dust. Where exactly is the point of doing things? Nothing you do is going to make anything change. Change happens by itself and is an ongoing process. You don't really control anything. Not even yourself. But that doesn't stop you from feeling a sense of having caused some change.

(holy crap! What have I done to myself?)